And so, for sanity's sake, I keep my studio in my mind.

I have sprained my ankle and have been left staring into my past few months, questioning if it has all been worth it.

There is a life I have coveted. I have seen 'It' ever since I walked into a mall. It's not the rich life, but the one where you are playing the useful part in the shiny happy people's lives by working in retail. I have recently embedded myself into this world.

I have learnt, "its a full-on Monet" (Tai: What's a monet?
Cher: It's like a painting, see? From far away, it's OK, but up close, it's a big old mess. 1996, Clueless)

Don't get me wrong, its not a life long dream. But it was an expectation of where I would be at my age. Fairly realistic, but aiming a little low on the Dream Machine Scale.

I'm there, I'm working. I turn up playing the part. Time passes and the doors close. Again I realize It was a performance and we all go home. It is completely what you make it. You can have a great attitude and have a good time or you can find the cynical route where you notice the barcode on your name. It's interesting because everything and nothing is valuable. Once the day is over, no-one could care less. You are free to ponder your personal life, and these two personalities dont have to interact at all.

"Relationship George cannot collide with Friendship George". (Seinfeld, yes I have a tv)

But now that I'm there, and I'm one of the happy, shiny people, I am coveting something else.... My artist life! The shoes I always wanted to end up in are desperately calling me.

The advantages of a regularized income in retail is that you can budget your expenditure to suit. An artist's income - for me- has so far proven to be a lucky feat to break even. If money did run my world, retail would remain a constant. But satisfaction, progression, innovation and investigation remain my real motivators. To satisfy my curiosity is to steady the stone of Sisyphus - you cannot!

And so when the temptation to quit my job an run free in the meadows washes over me, my personal rewards are still possible.

But lo, Harsh Reality comes flapping down to deliver the slap of practicality. An artist needs materials, in my particular case - I need to install my kiln. For my awkward house - I'm saving $1000 at least to install. And so I bounce back and perform as a shiny people again!

There is nothing wrong with retail, if you can be happy in sales, you can be happy in any customer service role. My only bite is that although I am happy during the day with my double shot cappuccino - I know in my heart that I can be happy with my double shot cappuccino just about anywhere, and happy in my studio without food, wi-fi or my double shot cappuccino.



And so, for sanity's sake, I keep my studio in my mind.